How to Fix the Canadian Problem

If you’re wondering What Canadian problem? let me explain.  As you know, Arizona has passed a law allowing the state’s police to stop and question people they think might be illegal immigrants.  That was of course right after they passed the birther law requiring presidential candidates to show birth certificates.  If you can’t prove you are a citizen you can be arrested — and that includes that Kenyan, Barack Obama.  Arizona has really raised the bar for all states when it comes to being an American citizen … and proving it.

But there is a much more insidious, dangerous and growing threat to our national security:  Illegal Canadian immigrants!

Think about it.  They are white.  They talk like us.  They use politeness to get past our defenses.  They’ve already taken over a lot of our entertainment industry: Michael J. Fox, Jim Carrey, Michael Buble, Barenaked Ladies,  Ryan Reynolds, Keanu Reeves, Mike Myers, KD Lang, Shania Twain, William Shatner and a bunch of Playboy bunnies, to name quite a few.

For people in the border states like Washington, where I live, we are the first line of defense.  We need to put an end to these people coming down here and stealing our jobs, marrying our women, sitting in our bars and screwing up football. (You have seen Canadian football, haven’t you?) And for God’s sake stop the senseless love of ice sports.  I mean we only have about ten ice rinks in this country.

We need to take the handcuffs off of our law enforcement folks and let them stop anybody who looks or sounds like a Canadian.  These people must be stopped.   They are coming through our porous borders and  disappearing into our society in record numbers.  And by the way, have you noticed that all Canadians live within 100 miles of the U.S.-Canada border?  And they watch all of our television shows because they only have one network that shows hockey 24/7.   It’s pretty clear they want to be American.  Don’t forget how they stuck British Columbia (see, they named a province after the country we said buh bye to.) and the Yukon Territory  between Washington state and Alaska so they could make it harder for Sarah Palin to return to Alaska.  Maybe she could live in BC.

One quick fix would be to move the border north 100 miles.  Then we’d have a huge buffer of snow and ice between us and whatever is on the other side of the North Pole.

Well, that’s probably not gonna happen anytime soon.  Since all of our attention is focused down south, we need to take it upon ourselves to stop these pesky Canadians.  It won’t be easy because they have worked hard to seem American.

The following test is designed to catch these hosers, er, uh,  posers.  In the meanwhile just smile and cooperate when you are pulled over and asked to show your papers.  It’s for your own safety.

The Canadians-Faking-American Test:  Answer these questions.  You must get 100% or be sent back.

1.  Describe the U.S. health care system in ten words or less.

2.  Name five U.S. wingnuts.

3.  How big is a U.S. football field?

4.  What U.S. television network airs hockey?

5.  What is a curling iron?

6.  What happens at a U.S. Tea Party?

7.  What is the U.S. $1 coin called?

8.  Name the U.S. units of measure.

9.  Which of these is the correct U.S. spelling:  harbour, center, cheque, liter, colour?

10.  In what states are presidential candidates required to prove citizenship?

11.  What is the most popular U.S. source of news?

12.  Say “about” out loud.

13.  Is “eh” a question or a statement?

14.  Define “birther.”

14.  Name five Canadian-born U.S. NFL players.

15.  Which of the amendments to the U.S. constitution allows citizens to carry machine guns?

16.  What are African-Americans called in Canada?

17.   Where is the Canadian sun belt?

18.  What is Canadian bacon?

19.  Who is the president of Canada?

20.  What’s the name of that little point of land in Washington state that can only be accessed via Canada?

21.  How many of the Real Housewives of… are married?

22.  What is Ryan Seacrest’s talent?

23.  What is the name of John Edwards love child?

24.  Who are Carl Spackler, Ren McCormick and Curt Henderson?

25.  Who is James Naismith and where was he born?

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