Archive for April, 2010

It’s A Wonderful Country

This commercial for the esteemed Tim James candidacy for governor of Alabama is a treasure.  It truly defines Profoundly Shallow.   Mr. James has eloquently defined one of this country’s burning issues…the cost of multi-lingual forms like a driver’s license application.  I mean having several languages has nearly bankrupted Switzerland. The sooner we all speak English the better off we will all be.

And it is hard not to love Mr. James’ acting chops.  The constant moving around and the dramatic pause near the end is Oscar caliber.   Makes me wonder why we didn’t let the South secede.  It’s not too late for Alabama.


So Shallow, So Good, So Funny

Take a look at how the Axis of Awesome shows us just how simple music really is.  Thanks to Mike Fanning for showing the way.

NFL Draft TV Deal

The NFL announced a blockbuster deal with ESPN, Fox Sports, CBS, NBC and ABC in which the draft will now be a regular weekly series across all the networks at the same time.  Said Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner:  “It has become obvious that the draft is the single most important sports property in the world.  Fans cannot get enough of it.  In the past we have only televised the first 100 rounds.  Yet, we have found on the Internet huge amounts of people still actively following the draft well into the later rounds…even the 700th selections.”

While details are still being worked out, this writer was able to learn that each show will be 30 minutes long and include an in-depth profile of a featured player, the player’s stats, an analysis of his upside, downside and backside by Mel Hyper, renowned and amazingly unqualified NFL draft analyst.  Because there are so many draftees (4,672 so far in the 2010 draft) it won’t be possible to include every single draftee, so a Web-based show will stream continuously with updates every 30 seconds.

The NFL is particularly excited about the Embryo portion of the show.  Here is where the viewer can see which embryonic future players have been selected.  Certainly a big part of the recent success of the NFL draft has been its ability to find future stars at this very important stage of their lives.  It is a big reason why fewer and fewer children are playing soccer, basketball and baseball.  (Apparently lacrosse has made inroads, but the NFL has brought copyright infringement charges and lacrosse is expected to go away.) 

Another hope of this year-round-forever programming coup is that the NFL will be playing 200 games a year as a way to satisfy the incredible numbers of kids being drafted.  Said Goodell:  “The future of the NFL is unlimited.  By airing this critical aspect of our growth machine we can satisfy the needs of our fans while, of course, lining our pockets with serious bank.”  When asked, if he is concerned that the number of players being drafted will exceed the number of viewers,  Goodell responded:  “There are a bunch of continents out there salivating for us.”

Terms of the deal were not disclosed, however it was learned that as a result of its exclusive sponsorship, Nike will become a country.

Tea Par-tay

For those of you wondering about how well-informed the Tea Party is, wonder no more.  As you can see from this video we can rest assured that their depth of knowledge is rich in accurate details.  I am a little concerned that Obama is going to make fishing illegal since I live on a lake and opening day is tomorrow.  Maybe its just stream fishing that will be banned. 

I can only hope that the Tea Party candidates get on ballots everywhere so we can stop the socialist, fascist, communist and Rasta agenda of the current administration.

How I Celebrate Birth Day

For those of you living under a rock, today is Birth Day. (Not to be confused with that copycat Earth Day.)  It is the one day each year we get to smugly let others know we are natural-born citizens.  That’s right.  And I have the birth certificate to prove it. 

Yesterday, in anticipation of today’s festivities I went to my bank safe deposit box and got my actual birth certificate — not a copy.  Too many people out there are running around with forgeries claiming citizenship.  I’m sick and tired of these feriners claiming they were born here.  Next thing you know they will want to run for office and we will end up having some lackey of a foreign government taking over.

You can go to the Birther website to get the straight story about what happens when somebody like you-know-who lies about his birth certificate.  Please ignore all the typos, I was in a hurry to get this important information up and didn’t do the spelchek thing.  And I put up a link to worldnetdaily which has loads of good information about these liars in public office who are demeaning our constitootsinal rights.

In case you don’t have time to get all the facts,  I will just tell you that you-know-who is actually a citizen of Kenya.  That’s right.  It’s pretty insidious and scary to think that we are probably going to become a colony of Kenya.  After all, you’ve seen how they dominate marathons haven’t you?  I mean, the last 40 winners of the Boston Marathon are Kenyans.  Think about that.  In Kenya they’ve taken away cars and buses and paved roads and make everybody run everywhere.  It’s how they control people.  They are so tired they really can’t do much.  I mean I don’t know any marathon runners who are very successful… think about it.

Anyhoo, I’m getting off track here.  I want to let you know how I’m celebrating Birth Day and maybe you can too.

1. I will watch Jon Stewart’s take on birthers here.

2.  I will listen to “Born In the USA” all day long.

3.  I will drive my car (none of that ride-a-bike b.s. for me) 26.5 miles.

4.  I will report my neighbor to the INS because she has some kind of an accent and there’s no way she could be a citizen.

5.  I will start a petition to get Washington state to require everybody to prove they are natural-born citizens.  Look at how great Arizona is doing with making sure that anybody who runs for office has to have a birth certificate.  Oh, and I love how they are going after the Latino/Hispanic (what’s p.c.?) people and they can ask them anytime, anyplace to prove their citizenship.  I think we should do that in Washington state to get rid of all the Canadians who are infiltrating and pretending to be citizens.  I mean that’s really scary because they’re all white and they sound like Americans unless you listen really closely.  Oops, getting off track again.  That will be the subject of an upcoming post.

6.  I will hang out at the grocery store and brag out about my natural born-ness.  I think it makes sense to do it in the organic food section… natural born citizen, natural foods — get it?  It’s a two-fer for me.  Eat the right food, be the right citizen. 

 7.  I will ask everybody I see today if they were born in the USA.   And to show proof.

I’m proud to call myself a citizen.  And I can prove it.

10 Things I Learned Along the Way

During my Incredibly Successful Career (ISC) I’ve had some good and bad but always instructive experiences. Face it, work can be hard.  That’s why it’s called work.  But work doesn’t have to be a drudge.  It can be rewarding. For those of you who haven’t quite found the Holy Grail of work satisfaction, these might help.  They all helped me, some much later when I reflected upon them.  Now you don’t have to wait and reflect, you can just memorize these.

1.  Don’t dwell on mistakes.  Learn from them.  If you have never made a mistake please ascend to heaven and leave the rest of us alone.  The point is that mistakes happen and they will happen again.  You can wallow in them and become caught up in woe or you can move on with the wisdom gained from what happened.  Trust me, the learning from mistakes is much more profound than the learning from successes.

2.  Give credit and take some too.  It’s okay to be that selfless person who deflects the spotlight onto others.  Your colleagues love it when you praise them.  But if nobody ever knows what you accomplished or what your contribution was, you may become relegated to the shadows.  That can ultimately become a dead end.  So when you are asked Who did that? go ahead and raise your hand… assuming, of course, you did that.

3.  You can’t hear a thing if you’re not listening.  I was once told by a client that I was a great listener.  I asked him what he meant.  He said:  “Too many people want to provide an answer before they really know the problem.  They think they will get extra credit somehow for providing a solution to a problem that may not exist.  They talk too much and never really listen to what my needs are.”  Wow.  Advice I never forgot.  It’s amazing how much you can learn when you truly listen to what is being said — and not being said.

4.  Empowering others is powerful.   A lot of my success came from the work done by others.  I found that when they did well, I did too.  My epiphany came when I was editing a plan submitted to me for my review.  As I started changing stuff, it suddenly occurred to me that I wasn’t correcting mistakes, I was making it the way I would say and do it.  So instead of changing it, I returned it to the person and told her it was an excellent plan and to go ahead.  Giving others the freedom and authority to accomplish stuff and not second guessing them is the best way to get things done.   Having the self-confidence to let them do their thing can be scary but is ultimately rewarding for everyone.

5.  Always take your work seriously, never yourself.   I’ve worked with a few self-important assholes (SIA) along the way.  You know who they are — they dominate meetings and conversations by being loud, not necessarily wise.   They are credit-takers.   They are finger-pointers who spend inordinate time placing blame.   They want everyone to know they are a big deal.  They choose to pontificate and intimidate.  Give me the self-effacing, calm, problem-solving person who is making a difference.  She isn’t an SIA because she has earned the respect of her peers by solving problems and collaborating in ways that make the work actually interesting and fun.

6.  Be on time.  If you can be ten minutes late, you can be ten minutes early.  Arriving late  is all about you.  It’s  selfish and disrespectful.  It will cause others to think less of you and not take you seriously — since you chose not to take their time seriously.

7.  The first thing you write is never right.  I have edited this post several times.  Just as you need a filter from your brain to your mouth, you need to exercise control from your brain to your fingers.  Good writing is a sign of clear thinking.  Great writing is a function of editing.

8.  Simplify.  Distilling complex situations into a clear course of action is hard. Creating mountains of power point slides and reams of booklets can cause the recipient to wonder if you really have an idea or solution.  I once was part of a pitch to a potential mega-client in which our team was composed of ten people, each with a speaking role, with lots of power point and presentation boards covering a multitude of scenarios over three hours.  We lost to a competitor who had two people present three compelling ideas in half an hour.  We had no real idea, just a lot of adjectives.  Know the difference.

9.  Be yourself, all dressed up.  My dad taught me this.  You should not have a “business” behavior and language.  I’ve known some folks whose voices dropped an octave when they were making a presentation.  And I’ve known a lot of people who use business speak, but all they’re really doing is using jargon instead of providing actual knowledge or insight.  Use the same words in business that you would use among friends and family.  One exception: Never use the word “cool.” Cool needs to be retired.

10.  Do the best you can and nothing else matters. 

Bonus Round

11.  Honor thyself.  You have the obligation and responsibility to have a job you truly enjoy — work that matters.  Be selfish about it.  Only you can decide what is right for you.  If your mantra is “I’m just happy to have a job,” you need to get a new mantra.

12.  Do what’s right.  There will always be moments when you are faced with a tough choice.  Let your moral compass guide you.  It clarifies.  It simplifies.  It keeps your conscience in good shape.

Sunday Shallow

Had to post this because it is so effing funny and good on many levels…from The Onion