You’re Not A Star

In today’s world of reality shows, blogs, online videos and tabloids we are assaulted daily by increasingly weird, stupid, tasteless and bizarre “news.”   This exponential growth in eye- and ear candy has produced a new generation of “stars.”  In my view, these people may be famous, infamous,  notorious or well-known, but they are not stars.  They are the quarter-hour poseurs… as in the 15 minutes they all seem to want but have not earned.

So let’s take a moment to make sure we all understand that just because you can suck milk through a straw into one nostril and out the other does not make you a star.  And just because the media (and by the way, what is the media these days?) chooses to talk about you ad nauseum (OhMyGod, Kate is going to be on Dancing With The Stars!!!!!!), you are not a star.  Here are some of my rules for non-stardom:

You’re Not A Star If…

1.  You were or are on a reality show.  They are not real.   They are cheap, as in sleazy and are dumbing down America. 

How many reality “stars” can you name?  Trust me, The Bachelor is not a star.

2.  You gave birth to a bunch of kids.    Just because you popped out six, eight, ten, 16, 19 kids you are not a star.  And you definitely should not get rewarded with lots of free stuff because you are a natal oddity.   That said, I would be riveted to a show where Kate and Octomom lived together with their 57 kids.

3.  Your sex tape got on the Internet.  It’s amazing how many of these mysteriously appear on the Web.  Then there are the weak denials, the feigned shock and then… a reality show!  

4.  You had an affair, several affairs or slept with a bunch of male or female skanks.   And especially if you had sex with John Mayer.

5.  You are in a bunch of porn movies.  Somehow the phrase “porn star” has become part of the mainstream vernacular.  “Porn Star” is an oxymoron.    See #4.

6.  You write a tell-all, especially if you are under 30 years of age.    Of course, it’s pretty certain that you didn’t write it.  Telling all typically is all about others, because you haven’t really done anything worth writing about.

7.  You weigh 700 pounds, or lose 700 pounds.  I’ve probably gained and lost that amount over my life… I’m not a star, just very undisciplined.  Are you feeling me, Kirstie?

8.  You won the lottery, Powerball, a bunch of money in Vegas or at your local casino.  Being lucky is not the same as being a star.  Oh, and losing millions also has nothing to do with stardom.

9.  You win a game show or a reality competition.  Just because you auditioned and the screeners thought you were hot, provocative or just plain obnoxious, “winning” only means you outlasted a bunch of other losers.

10.  You appear on Geraldo.

11.  You are an ethnic or sexual minority “representing” them.  CNN has an African-American “expert” who is on panel discussions on subjects ranging from health care to Tiger Woods to the stimulus legislation.  Huh? 

12.  You have a video of yourself performing a stupid human trick that a million people downloaded.  Just because you can stop a rotary fan with your tongue does not make you a star.

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